I’ve left this review for historical purposes only. If you landed here via search, I’d suggest you read my regularly updated fucking machine buying guide instead, as there are much better options available now.
F-Machine Pro is a fantastic mid-range fucking machine that delivers a powerful thrust. It features an adjustable stroke length and independant height adjustments on the front and back of the machine, allowing for complete freedom of position and angle of insertion. Suitable for both anal and vaginal play, the F-Machine Pro is just an incredible bit of kit, guaranteed to please.
The F-Machine Pro is simply a beast; a large, hulking mains powered device that weighs 9 kg and is bursting with raw power. It’s intimidating when you first set it up, though it packs away neatly in a box that could easily fit on top of your cupboards (though it might take two of you to lift it up there). There is however the small issue of price. The current generation F-Machine Pro retails for upwards of £425. Is it worth it? Let’s find out.
Setup
Putting the machine together can be done in less than 3 minutes; simply screw the legs together into a T-shape, then push them into the holes on the main body, position at the angle you wish, and tighten the bolts by hand. You also need to push the main drive shaft pole into the body, and tighten that. You don’t need any tools for this, but there are some included in the package anyway for other maintenance.
Mechanics and Noise
The powerful motor drives the shaft via a crank arm, with 6 points of adjustable radius, creating the 6 different stroke lengths. The only downside to this approach is that you can’t vary the depth of stroke while using the machine, and it is a little awkward to adjust anyway. You need to stop, unscrew the drive, shift it to another hole, then line it up just so that it slots neatly into and tightens up. That said, machines that do allow you to dynamically vary stroke length are rare, and significantly more expensive (£2000 and up).
Because of the sheer force of this thing and the motion it generates, you really need to position it on solid ground. I placed it on the bed for the demo video, and you can see how much it rocks back and forth at the highest speed setting. In practice you’ll need to either use it on the floor, or have something relatively large and solid near bed height to place it on, so you can be comfortably penetrated while lying on the bed. A flat toy chest works well for us; in fact, we position one of the legs wedged between the end of the bed and the mattress so it won’t accidentally shift backwards either.
While in use, you do have full control over the speed, with a good range of speeds from “barely moving at all” to “pounding you like a jack hammer”. Or in more technical terms, from 0 to 240RPM.
You should of course be aware of safety issues: this is powerful machine, and unlike your partner it won’t respond to voice commands, so it’s important to keep the controller to hand at all times in case you need to suddenly stop – or have someone with you. A couple of times I’ve had it slip out, and this can be quite painful if it’s running hard and fast. If you’re planning on using this in a bondage situation where your body is restrained, I suggest moving it first to the start position, slipping it inside, then mounting it further before letting the beast loose, to avoid any possibility of it pulling out mid-coitus.
Although the F-Machine claims the current generation runs silently, that’s far from the truth for this first generation device, and I can’t really believe it’s changed dramatically. You can hear how noisy it is in the video demo; your roommates would certainly be able to hear this, and feel the thumping sound through the floor when on the highest setting.
Vac-U-Lock and Other Attachments
The end of the shaft screws on and is Vac-U-Lock compatible, but unfortunately there aren’t any pure silicone Vac-U-Lock dildos as far as I can tell, so I wouldn’t recommend them as they aren’t body safe. I’ve since stopped using both the Vac-U-Lock dildos that were included with my purchase, due to the smell they started to give off and burning sensation when I licked them (yeh, that was in the name of science – don’t do that). Thankfully, you can buy a replacement head – a “universal suction base” adaptor, which will fit any dildo that can be mounted flat – but that is another £30 you’ll need to factor in on an already expensive device. It would be nice if this was a configurable option when ordering, instead of bundling some potentially toxic dildos. If you’re sure you want to stay with Vac-U-Lock, this ribbed Regulation London dildo looks delightful.
In addition to the universal adaptor, there’s a “double trouble” adapter for two dildos, and a “rocky” adapter for fixing in a male masturbator sleeve. I’ve tried neither, and never heard good reports of trying to use fucking machines in general with a masturbator sleeve.
You can also a purchase separately a stylish metal carry-case for £99. So far I’ve made do with the box it came in, but the polystyrene packing is starting to degrade and invariably means a good vacuuming is needed after every use.
What’s It Feel Like, and Is It Worth It?
That’s the real money question, and the short answer is: it feels absolutely fucking amazing.
It’s powerful. It’s relentless. It’s unforgiving.
With the adjustable speed, you can tease and edge toward orgasm, while setting up your perfect depth of penetration before play. On the highest setting, you’ll get about 6 inches of depth. The adjustable angle means you can hit the sweet spot no matter which way you take it, and boys will get as much joy from this as girls. If you’ve ever tried to orgasm anally, you might have success with a relentless pounding from an F-Machine.
Note: This is a review of the first generation F-Machine Pro. The second generation appears to be mechanical identical, except for the fact that the humongous power supply has been shifted away from the main unit and into a separate box. This reduces the weight of the main unit. The mechanism for adjusting the stroke length has also been altered slightly so that it’s now one continuous slider, rather than 6 discrete holes.
