Be honest now: who hasn’t wondered what alien sex might be like? Or perhaps dreamt of being abducted and given a thoroughly carnal examination by some exotic alien anal probe. I know I have.
John Thomas toys are here to help you answer that question, with their Alien Hooligan Platinum Silicone Dildo.
Design and Shape
The alien comes in any color you want as long as it’s light blue, with four different sizes and two densities available. Your package should arrive with the dildo shrink-wrapped, and with a seal of authenticity.
John Thomas is known for premium silicone massive dildos: the Alien Hooligan XL size is the largest on offer, with a total insertable length of 14 inches, 10.5 inch circumference in the middle of the shaft, and 15 inches at the bottom. That model weighs over 3kg!
Instead, we requested the small for a change, and in supersoft medium silicone, which you’ll see pictured throughout. For size reference, it’s pictured below next to two other John Thomas Toys: the Buffalo in medium (reviewed here), and Chubby Cedrick in medium (also soon to be reviewed over at CaraSutra).
The Alien Hooligan small size has a far more manageable insertable length of 6.5 inches, and the circumference is 4.4 inches in the middle, widening to6.8 inches at the bulbous bottom of the shaft. It weighs 249g. That’s still a good size if you ask me!
As you gaze upon this intergalactic hooligan, take note of the three most distinguishing features.
First, the strongly curved shaft: it’s almost a 90-degree curve overall from base to tip, which makes it fantastic for hitting g-spots and p-spots, though still has a lot of flexibility.
Then there are the heavy veins running throughout the surface of the shaft. These are pronounced enough to be felt, without being painful. For those who love texture, these are delightful.
Lastly, there’s the distinctive sucker type head of the alien penis. During penetration, this didn’t make a huge difference in sensations, but if you’re using your mouth and tongue on the hooligan it really adds to the experience.
Time to be gross for a moment though: if you’re going to use this toy anally, you really need to be cleaned out fully before playtime, because this alien dick head also acts as a scoop. A literal poop scoop. Yup. Just getting that out there. This extraterrestrial visitor wishes you to be super clean.
On the base of the toy you’ll find a vacu-lock cavity for attaching the alien to the included suction-cup adaptor, strap-on, or fucking machine, or other vac-u-lock capable mounting accessory. Like a 3D printed adaptor I mounted onto a DIY bondage horse thing:
We mostly used the Alien Hooligan for pegging, but since our harness only has a ring, we used the suction cup adaptor behind this, and it worked brilliantly. The suction cup is actually stiff PVC, so it only really works on perfectly smooth flat surfaces.
How Does the Alien Hooligan Feel?
I had high hopes for finally fucking my own E.T., but alas, for pegging at least, the combination of soft silicone and ultra-curved shaft was a bit of a failure for us. The curve meant there just wasn’t much movement going on internally; it just sort of sat there bending forward and backwards as she thrust.
If you’re in love with the design and shape and especially want to use it for some alien role-play pegging action, I’d suggest getting the firmer option instead for better results.
When used solo, this is less of a problem, as you have much more control over the movement. The curve is fantastic here, even in the softer variety; better control allows you angle it just so for out-of-this-world p-gasms.
The curved shaft is also good fun for deepthroating fun, as it naturally angles itself down your alien-loving throat.
Only one thing could make this toy better, and that would be a silicone tube running through it so you could pump out some alien jizz. That’s not something that John Thomas Toys offers on any of their dildos, so you’ll end up looking at more niche dildo makers which cost upwards of twice as much.
Thanks to John Thomas Toys for sending over the Alien Hooligan for review.
Looking to get a review published for your adult products? Reach out to me via firstname.lastname@example.org, or on Twitter @Tiger_Lily_Toys