On paper, the BeatPat from Qiui is a brilliant concept: it’s a spanking paddle with built-in electrodes and pressure sensitive pad. You can accompany each stroke with a variable degree of electrical zap. You can even load up the app to try and time your spanks to a song, trying to match the beat.

Sadly, the execution is terrible. You can barely feel the electrical impulses in use, and the app is far from user-friendly.

Design: Cheap and Plastic

The first thing I felt after pulling the BeatPat out of its box was how cheap and plasticky this felt. There’s no weight to the handle, and that unsightly gold trim is just coated plastic, which will start chipping off if you so much as look at it in the wrong tone of voice.

I wasn’t expecting real gold, but a little bit of metal in this to add some heft would be nice.

The impact part is black faux leather, with a green trim around the edge. This green highlight is replicated on the main body of the handle.

It’s just such a bizarre choice of colors.

On the side is a USB-C port. It’s easy enough to charge, and should last a good while since the electrical impulse isn’t constant, and the only other battery draw is the Bluetooth connection.

Electro Play: Is This Even On?

I turned the power up to full, and tested with my finger. That works, as long as you’re making contact across the two rings of electrodes. Simple enough. The pressure-sensitive pad in the middle activates it (and counts the number and strength of your smacks).

But that’s about as far as it goes. In practice, you won’t feel the zap. At all. “Is it still on?” we kept asking ourselves. “Are you doing it right?” (that one earnt me a good thwack). You need to keep the paddle in contact with the skin after the spank, as the electrical impulses keep firing. But even then—even pushing down hard, and trying different locations… we barely felt a thing.

If the core feature of the product is this bad, you have to wonder how it got past quality testing.

To be clear, it isn’t broken, as such. The electrical zap works if you do it with your finger and press down slightly. It’s just a flawed concept that doesn’t equate to anything useful in the real world.

It Also Has an App, Because Why Not?

The Qiui BeatPat uses the same app as the Qiui CagInk CellMate 2 chastity cage. The same app that’s riddled with undecipherable English and a confusing interface. Luckily, it doesn’t do much except enable the Beat game mode and count how many spanks you’ve had.

Once you’ve tied the device to your account, your activities will be recorded, so you can see how many total spanks you’ve had and the maximum power, as well as break it down by day.

The app includes a game mode, where you must match your spanks to the beat intensity and timing. It’s a fun diversion for your domme to see if they can beat their high score, and it’s about the only part of the BeatPat that works as intended. But it’s a bit of a gimmick, and I think you’ll tire of it quickly.

Ultimately, don’t buy the Qiui BeatPat if… well, no, just don’t buy it. It’s not worth it. The electroplay feature is fundamentally flawed, and the beat-matching game is something you could play yourself, just without the scoring system.

3/10: As far as spankers go, it gives a good thwack, and the beat-matching game system is a fun gimmick. But you certainly don’t need to pay $100 for that. Avoid.